Back in Oxford

Hey everyone! I'm back in Oxford. It is soooo good to be back. I hope I get to see all of you.

I realize I didn't post much while I was home because I was sick and didn't really have much to say. However, after telling a story to Matt and Matt last night (I still haven't seen Eric and I want that hug!), I felt I should share this tale with you.

As one of my tests, I had to take a stool sample. For those of you who don't know, this is where you get your poop tested. 

So I went to the doctor's office to get the blood tests. Then they told me I would need a stool sample. Apparently however, they don't do these at the doctor's office. I had a prescription written (apparently these things are like drugs?) and I was off to the hospital to drop a deuce for the hospital lab.

We parked on the Notre Dame Level, which pissed me off because A) I hate Notre Dame, and B) The theme of the parking lot was Big Ten teams, which Notre Dame is not. They had their chance. They blew it. I went into the hospital which looked more like a lavish hotel and asked where to go. They had me fill out some paper work, looked at my prescription, tried not to look awkward since they knew I had to give some one my dookie, and put me through to the lab.

Once inside, I went up to the desk and showed them my prescription. I felt like shouting out "ONE POOP TEST PLEASE," but because I'm not Eric, I just explained the situation. A nice gentlemen then pulled me aside, and in a very delicate voice said, here son, this is what you do.

He brought me in closer, then physically turned my body so the audience (The 6 people in the waiting room and my mother) could not see what he was saying or giving me. This is where the deal went down.

"Son this is what I need you to do," he whispered. His voice was very soothing. I think he was afraid I was embarrassed about delivering a number 2. I wasn't. I didn't think it was that big of a deal. I mean I'm the only way the Browns go to the Super Bowl. He gave me a 200ml-250ml cup with a lid that had a scooper attached to it. It was the best grade pooper scooper I had ever seen. Anyway, they were running a number of tests, so he told me I had to fill it up to at least 60ml. That's a crap load of kids to drop off at the pool.

So he whispered to me, barely audible. "I need you to put, you know, about that much (pointing to 60ml) in this (the cup). Pick it up with this (The scooper), and bring it back to the lab in this (A plastic bag) and then you're all set. 

Making sure I had it all right, I asked. So I go in this container, scoop it with this scooper to 60ml and bring the container back to you?. "Yeah," he whispered.

So off to the bathroom I went. I hate public restrooms, but I didn't have a choice. I wish they had a private stool sample bathroom that collected stool so I didn't have to. Anyway, he had given me a plastic cover which collected my poop that also had a slit for any liquid. It fit over the top of the toilet, and it was really easy to use. So, I did my business, and then I went to scoop the poop. I put all of it in the container (60ml was no problem by the way), and I delivered it to the technician at the lab. They looked at it, tried not make a face, and told me they would have my tests done as soon as they could. I heard back 3 days later. Apparently there was nothing in my bodily soil to indicate while I was sick. It turns out the only use that came out of that test was this blog post.